Funny irony of writing so much about the inner critic lately and building up my own “fuck it” muscle – a bit about me
For my counselling practice, a theme that I have been writing about a lot lately is my inner critic. So here is a fun personal share from my own process of learning about this part of me:
My inner critic has been very present for me over the last few years
I’ve been doing a lot of unconventional things since I was quite young.
Already in my early twenties, I found myself joining trainings, retreats, and circles that explored healing and personal growth.
Since I was a teenager, I had it quite clear what I wanted from my life.
I saw a lot of struggle and suffering growing up, it was clear quite early that it wasn’t an easy thing being a human.
There were all these complicated emotions, complex situations, connections with other complex humans, and a lack of the tools and communication skills to navigate through all of this smoothly.
So I saw the grow-ups around me suffer from this, not knowing how to cope.
And this was something heavy to witness and carry.
As I got a bit older, I found myself in my own struggles.
Feeling overwhelmed by my mind and emotions, feeling super alone in it, and finding unhealthy ways to cope with them.
Around this time, something became really clear to me.
Again and again I saw people not knowing what to do with difficult emotions.
Pushing them away.
Numbing them. Avoiding them.
Or becoming overwhelmed and taken over by them.
I saw that there was something really lacking.
So I decided I wanted to spend my life figuring this out.
To learn about being human and how to do it in a smooth way.
How to face my emotions, navigate through them, and support myself in them.
How to stand steady in the hard moments.
It felt important for my own life, and to better support the people I loved who I saw struggle, and to make a difference in the world I saw as emotionally stunted.
This intention/decision has been the fuel of most decisions since.
From then on, I kept following whatever seemed to bring me closer to understanding myself, people, emotions, and healing.
I went to study psychology.
I then also dove into several other modalities and practices, studied counselling, helped in retreats – Following the mission that always felt clear.
But ironically, going closer towards what I really wished for for so long meant that the question of whether I was actually worthy of it came up. And my inner critic would show up strong.
One of the main things it has said to me over the years is:
“You’re too young”
“Who are you to be doing this?”
In many of the trainings, retreats, and circles I’ve been part of over the last few years, I was almost always the youngest person there.
One could take this as a compliment or something to be proud of, but I’ve often worn my age as a shameful thing.
“You’re too young” came with
“You’re doing it wrong”,
“They see you doing it wrong”
“They’re judging you”
“You won’t be accepted”
“They think you’re a fraud”
There has been a lot of imposter syndrome, a lot of self-consciousness.
And at moments it’s been suffocating.
But it’s meant it’s a part I know very well.
And these days I think we are friends.
After years of fighting it, resisting it, pushing it away, and nothing working, actually, I started to go towards it.
And then I found this sweet little girl part of me, who is just scared and needs reassurance and some support.
That opened a new chapter of relating to my inner critic with softness, with love, from my mama energy that wants to ease and take care of this part.
This has been the biggest breakthrough.
Launching my business and choosing this path has been another huge journey of being with my inner critic, bringing out the same fears of being an imposter, not ready, too young, not good enough.
But I’ve tried to move through it slowly, gently, taking every step as a lesson in meeting myself more deeply.
Plus, getting to know my own inner critic has become one of the greatest gifts in my work with other women.
And now I’ve been so enjoying writing about the inner critic.
Because, well, it’s been very present in my life and I have a lot to say about it.
But as I write about this part of me and I share it with the world, ironically, it shows up, of course.
“Let’s double-check it all”
“Ah, is this good enough??”
“No one cares, no one’s reading”
“Will this offend someone?”
Etc etc
But I’ve been doing it anyway.
I say I’m building my “fuck it” muscle.
So with every share, every blog, I strengthen my fuck it muscle.
And I practice just going for it.
To express myself more freely.
To care a little less about how I’m perceived.
To trust that when I show up with my passion, my heart, and without the filters of who I think I have to be… that’s where I feel most alive.
I am happy to learn this.
And I deeply thank my sweet inner critic for putting me on this path of getting closer to authenticity and confidence.
I can smile now and feel gratitude and trust in myself.
With my sweet little inner critic by my side, my friend and advisor.